New, Lighter iPhone Hailed By Exhausted, Humpbacked iPhone 4
Users
LA. The nation’s hunchbacked,
out-of-breath iPhone users lined up outside Apple stores throughout the country
today to purchase the new iPhone 5, which boasts a widely anticipated slimmed
down, lighter design that promises to no longer irreversibly misshape the
curvature of users’ spines.
“I’m really excited for the
iPhone 5’s 4G connectivity and the fact that it won’t dislocate my shoulder
whenever I pick it up to answer it,” said severely disfigured graphic artist
Gabe Brittell, 32, huffing and puffing under the weight of the hefty previous
version of the device that he had strapped to his back via strong, braided
nylon cords. “Finally a thinner model that won’t shatter my hip and take 20
years off my life by permanently deforming my torso and vertebrae!”
Executives said they anticipated sales of the iPhone 5 to be
down compared to previous years, citing the roughly 2 million Apple fans who
have been crushed to death under the iPhone 4S.
Grateful To:THEONION
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